The Strange Attraction of the Bollea/Hogan Clan

The Strange Attraction to the Hogan/Bollea Clan

No one knew – or cared – who Linda, Gene, Brooke or Nick Bollea was until “Hogan Knows Best premiered. Suddenly the amazingly fantastic lives of Linda, Gene, Brooke and Nick Hogan were viewed every week in millions of homes. Who knew there were so many wrestling fans eager to tune into the goings-on of the Hulkster’s habitat?

Celebreality Shows Seldom End Well

Reality television already claimed the Nick Lachey-Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears-Kevin Federline marriages, and Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie were no longer BFF after The Simple Life wrapped. So why were the Bolleas – I mean Hogans – so eager for a show of their own?

Hulk Hogan swears he knew all the pitfalls of a celebreality show and went in with his eyes wide open. Fast forward a couple years and the whole world watched his family implode as soon as the cameras stopped rolling. Son Nick is in the slammer for reckless driving that left his best friend a vegetable, Linda Hogan’s boyfriend is a year younger than her son and Hulk Hogan’s girlfriend is the same age as his daughter. I doubt he saw any of this coming.

The Brooke Hogan Star Vehicle

Brooke Hogan wanted a chance to increase her visibility to promote her singing career and Hogan Knows Best was supposed to be her star vehicle. It was more Partridge Bus than Lamborghini though and no one jumped off the bus fast enough.

We watched Brooke give Hulk fashion tips as the family shopped for fancy clothes for her dad, and we watched Linda frantically try to place her dogs in different Bollea houses because the pack exceeded the number of dogs permitted per residence. Most of us couldn’t relate to the five digit shopping sprees or gazillion dollar houses inhabited by ten pound pooches. On the other hand, most of us were relieved to know there was a guy out there who dressed worse than our own dads. It gave us hope.

The Show Ends And The Real Drama Starts

The ratings were somewhat ho-hum and it seemed as though everyone in the Hogan clan was ready to move on to the next stage of their careers with little fanfare. Then all of a sudden, Linda files for divorce from Hulk. But they seemed so supportive of each other on the show! How could this be? Then we find out Hulk Hogan has a girlfriend – and she looks just like Brooke. Wait a minute! She is one of Brooke’s friends! Not to be outdone, Linda Hogan goes back to being Linda Bollea and we learn she is a cougar. Yes, Linda Bollea’s boyfriend is none other than her kids’ classmate.

Nick Bollea’s Tragic Accident

Nick then had a horrific crash that left his best friend in a vegetative state. He threw himself on the mercy of the court and was sentenced to eight months in the slammer. To top it off, Hulk Hogan and Larry King held a pow wow to explain all these jailhouse recordings the Florida Department of Corrections gave to the press. Linda and Hulk both lambaste the judge, the victim and the victim’s family while visiting Nick in jail. Most of the time, no one thinks about their communications being recorded. Heck – they made a boatload of money by having their lives recorded. Only now, it isn’t as much fun to make the front page. We are riveted by the code language they develop to try to throw off the press, and snicker at how each of the parents attempts to discredit the other while their kid is in crisis.

Brooke Hogan is the Normal One? Yikes!

Poor Brooke, who was desperate for fame and her own career, has emerged as the most sane one in the bunch. She has been there for Nick and maintained relationships with both her parents and her schoolmates…er, I mean her parents’ new flings. She must wince when she watches the footage of her friend roaming the vast aisles at Wal-Mart with her dad so they can stock up on essentials. That Geritol must look so nice on the shelf next to her Clearasil, don’t ya think? Can’t be any worse than the menopause reading material her mom is reading at the beach while her BOYfriend is out surfing.

Ami Moore, a Chicago Dog Trainer, is philosophical about the whole mess. “Whatever they got out of that wasn’t worth the cost. I heard Hulk Hogan’s George Forman grille rip off was recalled for catching on fire. Sums it up, huh?”

Thank You Bollea/Hogans!

For once, it is nice to see other people with more pressing problems than our own. Furthermore, the stress of divorce, May-December romances, adult kids, the criminal justice system and seeing your dad in a Speedo somehow seems so much more tragic when played out on TV. Most of us suffering such indignities at least don’t have them paraded in front of a national audience.

Maybe they’ll reunite and do a stint in the Dr. Phil house.