Star Trek Credit Crunch: A Parody
How Star Trek characters would be fired.
Deanna Troi
We have decided that counsellors are no longer needed on ships full of perfect people. Your talent for stating the obvious is no longer enough to justify your position on the Federation Flagship. It has also been discovered that a simple bartender has been doing a better job than you, with the crew actually listening to her advice.
Wesley Crusher
Despite your frequent arrogant displays, there are far better and more experienced officers for the job. We also believe you are having a detrimental effect on crew morale.
Harry Kim
We do not understand why you are still here. Seven of nine clearly took over your position soon after she came aboard. She simply does it in a cooler part of the ship.
B’elanna Torres
Your position is reduced to that of part time due to Seven of Nine taking on more than half your duties. We still want to keep you, to maintain our drive towards a better gender balance on our star ships.
Jake Sisko
You have clearly been slacking; no one has ever seen you do any work.
Red Shirts
As useful as you have proven to be, we can no longer afford your Life Assurance policies
***
Energy Saving
- Starship crew must turn off lights after leaving the room
- It is a waste of energy it’s not like they help you see in space. It may make the ship look pretty, but whose likely to see it in the vastness of space.
- All headlights are also to be turned off we have discovered after extensive research they don’t help you see in space.
- Turbolifts will proceed directly to destination, instead of the current policy of meandering around until its occupants have reached a dramatic end to their conversation.
- Captains who only return fire after their shields will face immediate disciplinary action. You could just start your shields at 40% and started fighting instead of wasting 60% of shield energy.
- It has come to our attention that a shockingly high number of man hours are being spent solving crisis in the holodeck. These contraptions have also led to several deaths. There are far more time and energy efficient ways for crews to amuse themselves.
If you liked this here are my other humour pieces
http://www.purpleslinky.com/Humor/Satire/Star-Trek-First-Draft-Parody-Script.715587
http://www.authspot.com/Poetry/I-Am-the-Greatest—Performance-Poem.575105
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14 Responses to “Star Trek Credit Crunch: A Parody”
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interesting…
haha nice one. I’d pay good money to see Wesley get fired.
Thanks for the comment on my poem, just checking through some of your stuff.
I love the energy saving bits… headlights are totally poiontless if war speeds are surposed to be multiple times the speed of light.
Good One, I don’t remember all the crew members you had listed though. I wonder how Data would get fired…. This made me smile.
Lol!! If there had been a credit crunch during season 1 of TNG loads of them would have got fired. I mean, what was Worf really there for (apart from equal opportunities for Klingons) before he took on Tasha Yar’s job? And what role was Geordi filling before he went to engineering? And they seemed to have at least 3 or 4 representatives from engineering at various staff meetings.
But I too would have shelled out good money to watch Wesley getting his marching orders!
haha good work
I loved this….esp. the bartender taking over for Troi and the bit about life assurance for red shirts (everyone knows they’re dead meat whenever they’re part of a landing party)
you are quite a star trek fan. this is a funny article. nice ideas.. cost cutting in star trek eh? why fire these characters?!
Very creative!
Great job And funny.
Can B’ elanna Torres get fired too? Clearly she needs anger management! ..lol Creative piece.
Amusing summary – indeed I have wondered some of those things myself.
In fact, the whole crew of Voyager could have been laid off when Seven turned up!
Fire any of the doctors because in the future people should not get sick.