If You Only Could Watch 10 TV Channels

It was a typical evening as I channel surfed after a long day of bosses obsessed with the bottom line, clients with visions of freebies and co-workers who go behind my back so often I need a rear vision camera to watch them.

As my right hand moved through channels using the on-screen guide with the dexterity of a Call Of Duty junkie, I wondered why there wasn’t much to watch in my 400-channel universe.

With nothing to watch but a TruTV show about DNA scrapings and a chef on a Food Network with recipes for dessert that could transform size zero models into sumo wrestlers, I decided to conduct a thought experiment.

What if the cable companies suddenly caught the charitable virus and allowed consumers to choose any 10 channels at the monthly cost of a tank of gas?

Right now, I was paying for 400 channels – 380 of which I visited about as I often as I had my teeth cleaned.

So what 10 channels would I choose?

So here goes. Please don’t start up a blog just to vilify me. I’ll save you the trouble. I stink. Happy? Now here’s the list.

1. ESPN is a cinch, but not for the reason you might think. Although many dudes are sports maniacs who epoxy themselves to the couch for days to watch everything from steroid-enhanced baseball to weight-challenged jockeys, I enjoy my sports in small doses. I’ve got a life, people. But I need SportsCenter to keep me informed of what’s happening in the world of sports so that I can talk as semi-intelligently as my buddies, who are awash in sports trivia and lite beers.
2. Discovery Channel. How It’s Made, Mythbusters, Cash Cab, Dirty Jobs, Man vs. Wild and the Deadliest Catch. These shows are man friendly and make me want to do something daring, like get my Starbucks to go without a lid.
3. Comedy Central. Can you Say The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. After that, much of the programming is funny, if you’ve watched Harold and Kumar about 50 times or think that fart jokes are inspired comedy.
4. SciFi Channel. Battlestar Galactica hits a home run, Doctor Who is on first, X Files reruns are on second and those ridiculous Saturday night movie cheapo monster flicks about killer mosquitoes or beavers with road rage can help me forget why I’m not out on doing something like normal people.
5. HGTV. I know what you’re thinking. But here me out. Women love these shows. House Hunters, Designed To Sell, Design Star and Color Correction are just some of the shows that women can chat about for hours. Now, I’m not adverse to a well-designed home with a Tuscany feel but anything that connects more to women is on the favorites list on my remote.
6. Food Network. My skills in the kitchen rival the oratory skills of President Bush. I’m a takeout guy with a smidge of microwave food thrown in for taste. However, I love to watch Mark Summers on Unwrapped and see how candy and other bad-for-you food are made. I tell myself that if the candy manufacturers went to all that trouble to make those Whoppers, who I am not to eat them and keep those workers off the unemployment line. Guys Big Bite and Everything Italian are just icing on the cake.
7. TVLand. Yes, I’m a boomer and these shows are like a stroll (I can’t afford the gas to drive anymore) down memory lane. Classic shows like I Love Lucy, MASH, Star Trek Classic and the Andy Griffith Show never lose their luster, unlike the cubic zirconias on the Home Shopping Network.
8. CBS. Yes, I have to say it. David Caruso and his sunglass doppler maneuver almost gave a sty to the Big Eye network but shows like CSI Las Vegas, Survivor, Numb3rs, Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory and Without A Trace more than compensate for the Caruso Curse. Also, please insert whatever Jennifer Love Hewitt cleavage joke here for her title role in the Ghost Whisperer.
9. CW. Generally, this network is a train wreck. First, it’s an in vitro fertilization experiment between UPN and WB networks. Second, it treats its hit shows worse than Ike Turner treated Tina. In spite of its corporate neurosis, the network has shows that are fun to watch – Gossip Girl, Smallville, One Tree Hill (which it inexplicably cancelled), Supernatural (which it neglects like a bad parent), Reaper (a fun show that needs more time), Everybody Hates Chris and America’s Top Model (Is Tyra the new Oprah?).
10. USA Network. This network hawks its shows with its “characters welcome” catch phrase that delivers on its pithiness. Monk, Psych, and Burn Notice have spawned original characters – from the order-obsessed to the anger barely suppressed. Its latest show – In Plain Sight – also catches that spirit, although it copycats a trend of women with personal lives that resemble head-on collisions – such as Saving Grace, Damages, Canterbury’s Law.

Of course, there are notable omissions. I didn’t pick ABC, largely because I believe that According to Jim carries a virus transmitted by cable signals that can make Americans more obnoxious than Donald Rumsfield 

I didn’t pick NBC because I can watch their shows for free on hulu.com, including Life, Heroes, Chuck, My Name is Earl and Scrubs.

So what’s next to complete this thought experiment and make it reality?

Is it possible that the execs at cable monstrosity Comcast could possibly grow a soul?