Not in Front of the Children! the Top Nine Scariest, Grossest and Just Plain Disturbing Children’s Television Shows Ever

It’s no secret that I love kid’s tv:  from cutting-edge animation to educational magazines, children’s shows have long been the stomping ground for some of television’s rising talents. However, combining creative vision with a child’s fascination with all things extreme often leads to creepy results. So, in honour of the unexpectedly sick world of children’s entertainment, here’s my top ten sick, strange and downright scary shows, including those that gave me nightmares when I was little and newer shows that have surprised me since. They’re strange and scary, but in a good way and kids love them.

1. Invader Zim

   This short-lived Nickelodeon cartoon series was cancelled in 2006 and sadly never shown outside of the US, I only discovered it as a fan of its creator, comic-book writer and artist Johnen Vasquez. It’s a real shame, since the series was a genuinely inventive and very funny one, following the misadventures of megalomaniac alien Zim and his gloriously insane robot henchman GIR as they consistently fail to take over the Earth. With beautiful, stylised animation and manic voice-acting, it’s become a cult hit, but its dark themes and nihilistic tone troubled both critics and Nickelodeon, particularly the episode “Dark Harvest” in which Zim decides to steal children’s internal organs in order to appear more human: “more organs mean more human, it will work”. After only two seasons, and with several episodes still in the works, the show was axed.

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   A typically daft moment from the first episode of Invader Zim

2. The Demon Headmaster

   One of the creepiest dramas of my childhood, the Demon Headmaster was adapted from a popular series of novels by Gillian Cross. It starred Terence Hardiman as the titular Headmaster who controlled the pupils of his school by hypnotising them. Only a small group of children immune to his powers were able to stop his evil schemes. Gripping and unnerving, I remember being particularly scared of the robot-like, green-blazer-wearing prefects. Later seasons were less well-scripted, but equally eerie.

   The Headmaster hypnotises heroine Dinah Hunter

3. The Pirates of Dark Water
   

   This series scared the HELL out of me! Following a group of outlaws attempting to save the planet Mer from a liquid refered to as “Dark Water” which could take over a person exposed to it. Like an extended version of the “floor is lava!” game, the pirates sailed through sinister swamps collecting magical talismans. And… that’s all I know, since the series scared me so badly I couldn’t watch more than a few episodes. High production costs meant it had a surprisingly short run and was rarely repeated in the UK. Looking at clips now, it looks a bit “He-Man” but at the time, the concept of the Dark Water gave me nightmares.

   It was scary when I was 8, honest!

4. Jackanory

   Ah what could be safer than Jackanory? The simple concept, celebrities reading their favourite, kid-friendly books, sparked a phenomenon running for thirty years then restarted in 2006, it even attracted Prince Charles reading his ponderously dull book “The Old Man of Lochnagar”. Most of the time the stories were exactly what we wanted to hear, a particularly anarchic telling of Roald Dahl’s “George’s Marvellous Medicine” read by none other than Rik Mayall particularly sticks in the mind, but every now and then they’d read something that really gave me the willies. A particularly sinister reading of “The Iron Giant” inter-cut with an adaptation of “The Iron Woman” along with some seriously eerie music completely put me off the series for a while and remains etched deep in my memory.

   Tom Baker reading “The Iron Man” by Ted Hughes, later rearranged into the version that scared me witless.

5. Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons

   The most sophisticated of Gerry Anderson’s marvellous “supermarionation” shows, with its outrageously catchy theme song, was also the darkest. A Cold War analogy, it pitted the heroic Spectrum organisation against the sinister, body-snatching Mysterons. Though the Mysterons themselves only manifested as dark circles with an easily imitable voice, what made the show somewhat unnerving were the number of horrible ends thought up for the indestructible hero, reflected even in the theme song (“they crash him and his body may burn”, nice), and also through the spooky Mysteron agent, Captain Black, who was prone to standing around in graveyards and wearing leather trench-coats. A CGI version appeared in 2005, allowing for more realistic action, and yep, even more sticky situations for poor Captain Scarlet to sort out.

   
    

   The Captain Scarlet closing credits. You were singing along too, weren’t you?

6. Moomin

   This extremely beautiful but somewhat surreal series was based on a popular series of Finnish books and was created in the early 1990s. With dreamlike animation and clever symbolism most episodes were quite endearing, but there was definitely something very creepy about some of the characters. Take the Groke, for example, a blue, ghostlike creature with an icy touch, representative of loneliness. Or the episode “slug a bed mushrooms”, in which endlessly multiplying spores with staring eyes take over the Moomins’ house, an episode that absolutely terrified me, giving me nightmares for weeks later.

   Who would have thought this cute title sequence could mask such a creepy show?

7. Doctor Who

   Okay, so Doctor Who is not technically a children’s programme per say, but children love it and over the years it attracted a lot of criticism for scaring them, so it’s fair to include it in this list. Originally conceived as an educational series in which the Doctor would travel to different times in history, the show changed course with the introduction of his most feared enemies the Daleks, probably the first alien monsters to appear on television. Child viewers famously hid behind their sofas, they were so afraid of the plunger-wielding creatures. Over the years the show featured some memorably creepy monsters, from the mannequin-like Autons (who frightened me doubly since I have something of a phobia of mannequins already), to the red-eyed Voc robots, from the identity-destroying Cybermen, to the vampiric Haemavores, along with a host of mad scientists and megalomaniacs. The show was among those heavily criticised by the infamous Mary Whitehouse in the 70s, who was appalled by the violence portrayed in the show, especially the near-drowning of the Doctor in the serial “The Deadly Assassin”, or scenes such as torture and near execution in “The Caves of Androzani”. In 1989 the series sadly ended but was resurrected in 2005. The new-look version has shorter stories and thus less room for nastiness (sorry guys, but I’m a hardcore fan of the original show), but some deliciously creepy episodes have still been produced, most notably the eerie “The Empty Child” featuring a gas-mask clad boy, some really horrible transformations and the creepiest rendition of “are you my mummy?” ever heard.

    
   

   Absolutely perfect theme tune, the original 1963 version.

8. Batman: The Animated Series (and associated spinoffs)

   Another series that I loved but gave me nightmares: the dark, noir-ish cartoon based on the ever-popular comic books, arguably the darkest adaptation until the recent reboot of the film series. With its red skies, looming sets and sumptuous character design, it looked great and with a Danny Elfman-inspired score and all-star voice acting, including an unforgettable performance by ex-Star Wars actor Mark Hamill as the Joker, it sounded great too. Its success ushered in a host of superhero cartoons and some fantastic spin-offs. An equally dark 1993 spin-off movie “The Mask of the Phantasm” had some highly unsettling moments, but in 2000 the production team really excelled themselves with a gripping and deeply disturbing movie based on the spin off “Batman Beyond” series. Called “Return of the Joker”, the film not only featured alarming levels of violence and creepy set pieces but a sinister flashback sequence in which Batman’s sidekick Robin is captured, tortured and driven insane as an heir to the Joker… Eek! Heavily edited on its first release, it received high critical acclaim. Even the censored version is memorably unnerving, thanks to the beautiful animation and Hamill’s scenery-chewing vocals. (If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m a big fan of Hamill!)

   Joker’s first scene in “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker”. Mr Hamill at his finest.

9. The Ren and Stimpy Show

   This was quite possibly the nastiest kid’s television show ever and ridiculously popular because of it. Following the misadventures of Ren Hoek, a highly-strung and often psychotic Chihuahua who sounds like a Mexican version of Peter Lorre, and his phenomenally stupid best-friend/sidekick/servant, an obese Manx cat named Stimpy, with a voice like Larry Fine. At first glance it doesn’t seem that unusual, but “The Ren and Stimpy Show” was one of the weirdest offerings Nickelodeon ever showed: with a mixture of classic cartoon influences, careful characterisation, wonderfully varied and expressive animation and pure insanity. It’s best remembered as one of the forerunners of gross out comedy, full of fart jokes, repulsive close-ups on bloodshot eyes or bulging veins, and more references to bodily functions than a biology convention. This sort of humour, along with vicious slapstick (hardly an episode went by without Ren pummelling Stimpy for being an “eediot!”) meant Nickelodeon regularly censored the show. Even more disturbing, and more reason for Nickelodeon to worry, were the regular lashings of pitch black humour, as Ren was often driven mad and would cheerfully plot his friend’s destruction, shrieking with maniacal laughter. Many scenes could easily be reworked into psychological horror although admittedly they’re not outright scary, like other titles on this list! One gloriously unhinged example being “Space Madness” (see the episode below). Or the climax of “Sven Hoek” in which Ren, in a habitual fit of rage and relishing every moment, threatens “First I’m gonna tear your lips off, yeah that’s what I’m gonna do. And then, I’m gonna gouge your eyes out. Yeah. That’s what I’m gonna do…Yeah you’re scared, huh? Next I’m gonna tear your arms out of their sockets. And you know what else? I’m gonna hit ya, and your gonna fall. And I’m gonna look down, and I’m gonna laugh! But first…. FIRST…. I gotta take a wee!” Pure comedy gold. Even relatively mundane topics, like Stimpy trying to make Ren happy, are treated with the same demented glee: if you don’t remember the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” song, well, where on earth were you in the early nineties? I only wish I’d seen some more of these when I was younger, I would have adored them!

   Nickelodeon fired creator John Kricfalusi for missing deadlines and constantly adding extreme moments to the show. It ran for another three seasons before Nickelodeon eventually decided enough was enough and axed it. An even more over-the-top adult series, cheekily titled “Adult Party Cartoon” ran for a handful of episodes in 2003 but was quickly pulled off-air. However the original show’s influence can be seen in cartoons as diverse as “South Park” and “Spongebob Squarepants”, though nothing can be quite as weird, subversive and unsettling as “The Ren and Stimpy Show”!

   “Space Madness”, a typically deranged episode from the first series and one of my favourites. Spine tingling toast!